If the Index was a cruise ship ... πŸ›³



  • Now, hold that thought.

    After days/weeks/months of deliberating, you finally decided to part with the cash that was burning a hole in your pocket and sign up to embark on a journey into the unknown. With the promise of riches beyond your wildest dreams, it all sounded too good to be true.

    Nonetheless, you packed your case, kissed the kids goodbye, sent the wife a text and jumped in the taxi to the harbour.

    When you initially boarded the 'SS Baldy Messiah' it didn't look much, but you were told by the sales agent that looks could be deceiving.

    How right they were ... before you knew it, we were sailing the high seas, stopping at lands we didn't know existed. Making money and making friends. Life seemed good. Almost too good ...

    Then the virus came.

    Within a few days the panic set in ... within a week Captain Cole had instructed all staff and guests to remain quarantined within their rooms.

    The dream had become a nightmare.

    At present, there is no way to get off the ghost ship without walking the plank and paying the price.

    So, for now, all we have is each other. πŸ₯°

    It is our duty, as the Great British public to remain positive, adopt the stiff upper lip and soldier on like our grandparents did when Adolf and the Gerries came calling.

    In the meantime, let me introduce you to the cast, crew, guests and staff on board the SS Baldy Messiah.



  • SHIPS ENTERTAINMENT/EXCURSIONS
    Advinculas Index

    @Advinculas-Index

    Addy as he is known, by no-one, is the head of fun and games on board this great ship. Having been a part of the ships furniture for a few years now, he knows the inner workings of this beast better than most.

    Be it mini golf, hide the sausage or the Advincula World Cup, he entertains, he keeps us motivated and he gives us hope when all else is lost.

    Little known fact - Mr Vincula has a Peruvian love child that works on one of our sister ships currently operating in the South Atlantic.



  • BAR MANAGER
    Mick Turbo

    @MickTurbo

    He has had quite a few names ... Mad Mick, Mongrel M or just 'that crazy fuckin Geordie'.

    His bar is always well stocked, the Karaoke is forever bouncing and the hot tub is never empty.

    Little known fact - Mick once had a threesome wi a well known football manager.

    Always up for a chat (if you can get past the language barrier). A genuine bloke.

    He's our resident stud ...

    Ladies man/mans man and lothario.

    Think Jimmy Nail, but sexier.



  • COMPLAINTS
    Ericali

    @Ericali

    Over the years, we learned that the best way for a conflict to be resolved is to put the warring factions together and let them work things out respectfully as adults.

    It seems to have worked ...

    Since Eric took up his position, we have had 0 complaints upheld and without analysing the data too closely, it looks like we have the happiest ship that ever sailed the seven seas.

    Eric prides himself on his conflict resolution skills. So much so that he recently awarded himself a nice wee trophy, in recognition of his achievements. πŸ†



  • STAR PERFORMER- DIVA - KITCHEN PORTER
    Scouse Ste

    @ScouseSte

    Steffan's quarters are adorned with Liverpool FC memorabilia. He has Trent toilet roll and a James Milner pillowcase.

    He is as passionate as he is dedicated.

    Always willing to help guests and crew, he is found most nights singing in the live lounge, 'Ferry across the Mersey' and other Scouse classics.

    He was previously in a relationship with Eric that ended sour. Now they don't talk, which is a shame as they were made for each other. πŸ‘―β€β™‚οΈ

    Ste is currently self isolating in his private quarters, refusing to interact with the outside world, fearing the end is nigh. He can be a bit Whitney Houston at times ... πŸ‘ΈπŸΏ



  • EDUCATION LEAD
    Westy

    @Westy

    Having given up his day job as a nuclear physicist, he decided to come on board the ship as the Head of Education.

    Can be found most days in the library reading Arsene Wengers autobiography or cheating the kids out of their dinner money on connect 4.

    Appears like a placid and well balanced chap, but under that calm exterior is a recurring voice in his head that says ... 'bring back the belt'.

    If you are stuck on Sudoku, Westys yer man! πŸ‘¨β€πŸ«



  • ENIGMA/POOL LIFEGUARD
    JANNER

    @janner73

    You know the bloke you have seen dressed in full sailor whites, that strolls around the ship with a purpose. Like he knows what he is doing. As if he knows something that you don't.

    Well that's Janner.

    He could have been the Captain by now if he wanted, but 'couldn't be arsed with the hassle'.

    Enjoys the occasional long lie in bed, burnt toast and Homes under the hammer.

    A voice of reason and calm head in choppy waters.

    Think Commander William T. Riker, but without the wandering Weinstein hands



  • @johnboywalker quality thread!!!! Had a good old chuckle



  • KITCHEN PORTERS/RESIDENT DRUNKARDS
    Black wolf and Wee Rab.

    @Black-wolf
    @weerab

    Ones a hun, the others a tim. They go together like cheese and curry sauce.

    Always dressed in full kit, they can be found pestering Mad Mick Turbo for 'wan mare drink mate' ... even after the bar has closed.

    Both absolutely devastated to find that there wasn't a kebab shop onboard the ship.

    One has a flute, the other plays guitar. If only they could decide on a song they were both willing to play.

    Anything but Tina Turner boys, please. 🀣



  • @johnboywalker said in If the Index was a cruise ship ... πŸ›³:

    KITCHEN PORTERS/RESIDENT DRUNKARDS
    Black wolf and Wee Rab.

    @Black-wolf
    @weerab

    Ones a hun, the others a tim. They go together like cheese and curry sauce.

    Always dressed in full kit, they can be found pestering Mad Mick Turbo for 'wan mare drink mate' ... even after the bar has closed.

    Both absolutely devastated to find that their wasn't a kebab shop onboard the ship.

    One has a flute, the other plays guitar. If only they could decide on a song they were both willing to play.

    Anything but Tina Turner boys, please. 🀣

    Ironically im not a drinker πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚



  • @Black-wolf said in If the Index was a cruise ship ... πŸ›³:

    @johnboywalker said in If the Index was a cruise ship ... πŸ›³:

    KITCHEN PORTERS/RESIDENT DRUNKARDS
    Black wolf and Wee Rab.

    @Black-wolf
    @weerab

    Ones a hun, the others a tim. They go together like cheese and curry sauce.

    Always dressed in full kit, they can be found pestering Mad Mick Turbo for 'wan mare drink mate' ... even after the bar has closed.

    Both absolutely devastated to find that their wasn't a kebab shop onboard the ship.

    One has a flute, the other plays guitar. If only they could decide on a song they were both willing to play.

    Anything but Tina Turner boys, please. 🀣

    Ironically im not a drinker πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    Have a quiet word with @MickTurbo, I'm pretty sure he can get you something more suited to your tastes ... πŸ₯³πŸ€―πŸ§šβ€β™‚οΈπŸ§œβ€β™‚οΈπŸ§Ÿβ€β™€οΈπŸ›ΈπŸ’Š



  • @johnboywalker you really need some football to entertain you don't you John?!!



  • @9stevo Do cruise ships have padded cells? This one definitely needs one



  • @9stevo said in If the Index was a cruise ship ... πŸ›³:

    @johnboywalker you really need some football to entertain you don't you John?!!

    I know mate ... all this doom and gloom is too much for me!

    I'm losing money and I don't care ... My wife has up and left me and I've lost my hair. 🀣 🎼🎸🎹

    Can't even go to the gym incase some mutant infects me ... right, i'm away out for a naked run ... wheres my ighalo face mask! πŸ€ŸπŸƒβ€β™‚οΈ



  • @Chris-J lets hope so πŸ˜‚



  • @johnboywalker well its pretty entertaining mate, keep up the good work πŸ˜‚



  • If anyone is unable to leave the house and in need of a mothers day card, I've got just the thing ...

    0_1584627855827_Screenshot_20200319-135944_WhatsApp.jpg



  • @johnboywalker said in If the Index was a cruise ship ... πŸ›³:

    If anyone is unable to leave the house and in need of a mothers day card, I've got just the thing ...

    0_1584627855827_Screenshot_20200319-135944_WhatsApp.jpg

    I've not posted much on here recently because there's a lot of shite being spoken by some. However, I have to say your posts nearly always put a smile on my face and you're fast becoming my favourite poster. Good work @johnboywalker



  • @Erased-Citizen do you care to elaborate πŸ˜‚



  • @johnboywalker I must protest, I'm a smoggie not a Geordie. As such I'm likely to have natural immunity to this COVID, which is good news. On a less positive note, being the FI barman makes my position extremely perilous as we all embrace social distancing.

    My greatest fear is that I could be staring down the barrel of a summer with no pool parties


Log in to reply