We all use the forum for insights and some occasional entertainment but there is an underlying lexicon that goes along with it's usage. Some of the newer members will not be aware of the double meaning or plain outlandishness of some of the statements. Here's 10 off the top of my head.

1: "He's dropped massively, time to top up, everyone" - I have my futures in the sell queue, quick buy them so i'm not left holding this crock of shit!

2: "I'm up 24p in 24 hours!" - I'm up 12p in 24 hours because i only got on half way through the rise.

3: I've heard from a reliable source the player is: Transfer/Payrise/due a first team game/International call up/bummed a heron. - There is no reliable source as they've been reading Italian media outlets or their brother-in-law has been spouting shite down the pub again.

4: At 17p "Oleg McNoleg" is a must punt as he's been linked with everyone - A combination of sell queue-itis/Italian media/ drug induced hallucinations as he's either 14/38 years old and/or once punched Dennis Wise/drug addict/shit.

5: Just managed to get 300 "New IPO'ed player" for 30p! - Got 300 "new Player for 30p and then got stung entering the market only seconds later and picked up 300 for £1.78 each and then the arse fell out the market.

6: I've created a graph - I've stolen a graph.

7: Statistically speaking X is... - I'm making it up.

8: Why have i not got my dividends? - I can't read/ i have already spent my dividends and didn't notice I had them/i am trying to view the website on my kids Speak and spell.

9: What do we think about "name of player"? - I'm too lazy to research and also your opinion is irrelevant because i've already bought 2000 so just argue amongst yourselves and drive the price up?

10: I'm new - I'm here to be told to buy/sell Pogba (i've already bought 3, wow they are expensive)
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Any suggestion the above statements are related to any real people on the forum is purely coincidental @Ericali

I have asked for them to confirm their identity before they can have their money back. I asked for a driving license and their maiden Aunt's inside leg measurements. The have written back to me saying i should have told them about this before they deposited the dividend into my account...tch.

I have a reasonable to large sized portfolio and the mental process was:

1: Identify FI as a place to make more money than having it in the bank/premium bonds or that nice email the man from Nigeria sent me about the terrible circumstances with his Uncle and the gold bullion.
2: Invest in MB/PB winners
3: Hope Dividends remain positive whilst looking for Cap App across the board
4: Spot the odd youngster (no not in that way you dirty boy)
5: Remove cash play with profit
6: Recent port decline makes you go down to the building at the end of the garden with your trusty shotgun only to find wife has removed firing pin due to life insurance paperwork not in order.
7: Watch Portugal vs Luxembourg because FI has fucked with your ability to support England in favour of Ronaldo dividend chasing
8: Realise this was a blessing

There...the mindset of a large investor.

I am alive! I just sit around in my pants (I try not to sit around in other peoples pants) and drink Peroni and home educate my children.

"Daddy, why do people in Paraguay speak Spanish - During a lesson about fractions
"Daddy, what happens if the sun explodes" - During an explanation about writing fairy tales
"Daddy, who is Hitler ?" - During a white supremacist meeting that they weren't supposed to be speaking at and the pillowcases kept slipping over their eyes.

As for football index I sold off half my port to invest in a food sustainability company which had some nice timing issues but certain complexities due to AIDS or Dysentery or whatever it is everyone has. I blame the Congolese.

The remaining port keeps me ticking over in dividends until the season starts again.

I haven't posted on here because of the fact nothing is going on and I have little interest in speculation on the size of Kai Havertz's nut sack or if he's a vegan or not.

@Ericali You're still a feckless oaf i presume? ;)

Oh, I am not @Vespasian32

I did a FIG podcast not a HWAH one though i wouldn't mind a crack at that and trying to be more entertaining that my FIG one.

I just had a poo. It was a good poo.

Having a poo is very much like trading.

You settle down. You make sure you have enough reading material and then you go about your business. Don't rush it and certainly don't force it.

Trading and having a poo. The key to satisfaction is patience and reading material.

Next week: Why having a wank is like Bingo.

@LittleFish said in Neymar out for a month (mouth):

Done his hamstring in. That's it for me IS time.

Hold on...so you're going to IS him even though a dividend increase will potentially target the top end? Come on put your money where you month is and wait till the end of the mouth.

@MrWh1te said in Sell queue:

@Ericali
Lmao nah, I am over it. Shit happens. Could have been worse, Neymar could have a bad injury and my port drop.

What's the secret to your success? I want my wife to leave me.

We came together in 2018
it seemed you'd be a star
unfortunately you failed to perform
You were distinctly under par.

Then came a change for everyone
a new face I had to check
and you were bumped to the subs bench
for the pole, Krzysztof Piątek.

The last straw came for Italy's kids
when i nearly spilt my Peroni
despite the fact you scored, you're s***
F*** you Patrick Cutrone

Patrick Cutrone 2018 - 1019 -10p

@NewUser90649 said in Harry Kane - A Sure Thing?:

Harry is a bit dull? Come on mate you are gonna have to do better than that!

Dull =

Explicitly he isn't outspoken due to his speech impediment, he looks like a horse so he's not going to be wildly great for endorsements.He's not a shagger and he's unlikely to fall out with Poch or punch Ben Davies

He's the least controversial high profile player in England.

At least Sterling looks and acts like a total c***.

I just sent a telegram requesting 4 Steve Beaglehole.

@NewUser607503 said in Team of the month!!!:

Sorry can someone explain why a once a month benefit of 50p is good when it took the % from 50% expected increase down to 20%. So basically after 3/4 match days would have been more in dividends.

We should not be cheering about this as its a reduction not a gain!

Hooray It's a reduction! dances about with everyone else

I hold shares in Alfie Mawson....you know...one legged Alfie...F******G WASTE OF MONEY!

@LewisHoward said in Selling:

Is it now virtually impossible to sell via the sell queue? As everybody is fixated on winning their shares via bids? I physically cannot sell my players via the queue, even players in demand...

You can't physically sell them? I spiritually sold 100 Wayne Rooney's and then mentally sold 5 David brooks.

....fucked Trent's sell price.

Hmm, difficult to predict...there are so many permutations that it could be so i think i'll play safe and say...

4

@Ddr said in Announcement:

@Ellisandro said in Announcement:

I have a boner.

So you also feel like a kid not knowing what to do then?

I reserve the right to claim to have mentally made a "mum" joke about this.

@Ellisandro said in Announcement:

I have a boner.

Sorry, I thought this was the European Fiscal Policy round table forum. Apologies.

I have a boner.

The rumours of my demise are...wait...no, i'm not dead.

Everyone buy tons and tons of footballers! That's the best way to win at football index. I'm surprised nobody has given this advice out yet?

I'm a winner...

ARE YOU?